Book Summary | SUPERCOMMUNICATORS How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection - Churles Duhigg

 

Book Title: SUPERCOMMUNICATORS How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

Author: Churles Duhigg

 

Communication is vital and there are so many books and techniques that are shared over the period.  Communication is a way of negotiation between two.  Many of the times, we feel listening to few communicators, it’s not because of the interesting topic they share, but the way they connect, the way they match the emotions etc. Supercommuncators – How to unlock the secrete language of connection explores how we communicate and connect. Because the right conversation, at the right moment can change everything.  There are three kinds of conversation that dominate most discussions. These three conversations which correspond to practical decision-making conversations, emotional conversations, and conversations about identity – are best captured by these three questions.

1.       What’s this really about?

The first mindset – the Decision-making mindset is associated with what’s this really about.  Our brains frontal control network, the command centre for our thoughts and actions becomes active. Conversation is a chance to learn what others want to talk about, what they need our of a discussion, and inviting everyone to make choices together.

2.       How do we feel?

The second mindset – The Emotional mindset – emerges when we discuss how do we feel? And draws on neural structures – the nucleus accumbent, the amygdala and the hippocampus among others. They help shape our beliefs, emotions, and memories.  The difference between a shallow question and one that sparks an opportunity for emotional connection is vulnerability. And vulnerability is what makes ”How do we feel” so powerful.

3.       Who are we?

The third mindset – Conversational mindset / social mindset – emerges when we discuss our relationships, how we are seen by others and see ourselves, and our social identities.  Who are we ? conversations are gateways to deeper understanding and more meaningful connections.  These conversations is powerful not only because we bond over what we have in common, but because it let us share who we really are.

 

Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kind of conversations.  Super communicators know how to evoke synchronisation by encouraging people to match how they’re communicating.

 

When we match someone’s mindset, a permission is granted; to enter another person’s head, to see the world through their eyes, to understand what they care about and need. And we give them permission to understand – and hear – us in return.

 

The four rules for a meaningful conversation.

1.       Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring: The most effective communicators pause before they speak and ask themselves: Why am I opening my mouth?. Different needs require different type of communication and those different kinds of interaction – helping, hugging, hearing – each correspond toa different kind of conversation.

2.       Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking: We achieve this in four ways, By preparing ourselves before conversation; by asking questions; by noticing clues during a conversation and by experimenting and adding items to the table.

3.       Ask about other’s feelings and share your own:  Deep questions are particularly good at describing their beliefs, values, feelings and experiences in ways that can reveal something vulnerable.

4.       Explore if identities are important to this discussion.  These rules tell us to consider our actions during three distinct periods; before a discussion, at the beginning of the discussion, and as the discussion unfolds.

 

Bottom-line: 

Supercommunicators know the importance of recognizing—and then matching—each kind of conversation, and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held beliefs that colour so much of what we say and how we listen.