Book
Title: SUPERCOMMUNICATORS
How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
Author: Churles Duhigg
Communication is
vital and there are so many books and techniques that are shared over the period.
Communication is a way of negotiation
between two. Many of the times, we feel
listening to few communicators, it’s not because of the interesting topic they
share, but the way they connect, the way they match the emotions etc. Supercommuncators
– How to unlock the secrete language of connection explores how we communicate
and connect. Because the right conversation, at the right moment can change
everything. There are three kinds of
conversation that dominate most discussions. These three conversations which
correspond to practical decision-making conversations, emotional conversations,
and conversations about identity – are best captured by these three questions.
1.
What’s this
really about?
The first mindset – the Decision-making mindset is associated with
what’s this really about. Our brains
frontal control network, the command centre for our thoughts and actions
becomes active. Conversation is a chance to learn what others want to talk
about, what they need our of a discussion, and inviting everyone to make
choices together.
2.
How do we feel?
The second mindset – The Emotional mindset – emerges when we discuss
how do we feel? And draws on neural structures – the nucleus accumbent, the
amygdala and the hippocampus among others. They help shape our beliefs, emotions,
and memories. The difference between a
shallow question and one that sparks an opportunity for emotional connection is
vulnerability. And vulnerability is what makes ”How do we feel” so powerful.
3.
Who are we?
The third mindset – Conversational mindset / social mindset –
emerges when we discuss our relationships, how we are seen by others and see
ourselves, and our social identities. Who are we ? conversations are gateways to deeper
understanding and more meaningful connections.
These conversations is powerful not only because we bond over what we
have in common, but because it let us share who we really are.
Miscommunication
occurs when people are having different kind of conversations. Super communicators know how to evoke synchronisation
by encouraging people to match how they’re communicating.
When we match
someone’s mindset, a permission is granted; to enter another person’s head, to
see the world through their eyes, to understand what they care about and need.
And we give them permission to understand – and hear – us in return.
The four rules for
a meaningful conversation.
1.
Pay attention to
what kind of conversation is occurring: The most effective communicators pause before they speak and ask
themselves: Why am I opening my mouth?. Different
needs require different type of communication and those different kinds of
interaction – helping, hugging, hearing – each correspond toa different kind of
conversation.
2.
Share your goals,
and ask what others are seeking: We achieve this
in four ways, By preparing ourselves before conversation; by asking questions;
by noticing clues during a conversation and by experimenting and adding items
to the table.
3.
Ask about other’s
feelings and share your own: Deep questions are particularly good at describing
their beliefs, values, feelings and experiences in ways that can reveal
something vulnerable.
4.
Explore if
identities are important to this discussion. These
rules tell us to consider our actions during three distinct periods; before a
discussion, at the beginning of the discussion, and as the discussion unfolds.
Bottom-line:
Supercommunicators
know the importance of recognizing—and then matching—each kind of conversation,
and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held
beliefs that colour so much of what we say and how we listen.
